Thanksgiving has and always will be my favorite holiday. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you how annoyingly excited I am when November hits. It is the perfect excuse to eat as many carbs, fats, and sugars as you want. You can then proceed to turn into the butterball you just ate and lay on the couch while watch football with no possible reason to move.
Total kidding. In all seriousness, I love being surrounded by my family and friends, giving thanks for everything I have in my life. The food is just the huge, sweet, juicy, cherry on top.
This year is Thanksgiving different. This year Thanksgiving falls on November 24th. Insignificant to most and brushed off as just the third Thursday of the month. For me, it’s a very important day. November 24th is my Brother’s birthday.
The irony is excruciating. The one day of the year you are supposed to be thankful for all you have is the same day I’m supposed to be celebrating another year of someone who didn’t live another one.
How can I be thankful? How can I give thanks when all I want to do is lash out at the world for dealing me such a shitty hand? How can you give thanks when on this day when someone you loved was supposed to turn 29? When you were supposed to poke fun at his senility. Laugh at his impending doom of turning 30 in one year. How can you be thankful when you are tormented with thoughts of what could have been and what should have been?
It’s his birthday. The harsh reality kicks in that he’s not here. We can’t celebrate someone who deserves to be celebrated. The fact that we will never celebrate again makes the pain heavier. I’m sitting here in my own grief and misery just screaming at the universe inside my head. Asking why I should be thankful? Thankful for what exactly? You have to be kidding.
Should I be thankful that this year on this day I have to peer down at his grave marker? Twenty-three years of life represented on that marker by a small stupid dash between the day he was given life to the the day my life changed forever.
The day nothing was ever going to be the way it once was. The day that every person who loved him would never speak with him again. The day the world was robbed of some who experienced it to the fullest. The irony is too much today. As someone who tried to give thanks for everything, there’s nothing that can be said or done for me.
You can try to tell me to see the silver lining and see the bright side in this but I can’t. This year I refuse. Sometimes you just really can’t deal with all of the pain. The irony the universe throws out at you is sick and twisted.
When you go to feast with your family tonight be thankful. Remember that they are there. That you have so much to be thankful for. They exist with you today. If you can’t see them, call them, email then, message them, whatever, just tell them you love them.
Be thankful while you still can be thankful for all you have. Be extra thankful for me because I really can’t be thankful today.
© 2016, Asian on the Outside, All Rights Reserved